My monster and I

I think casually about my death sometimes.  Sometimes I'm a big ball of drama and I cut myself, far too scared to move the blade up a few inches.  Those moments of trepidation are based solely on thoughts of my mother.  The only person who probably couldn't live the rest of her life without me.  She doesn't know, but she's the only one keeping me here. But even so, on "good" days, I fantasize about dying.

 On bright, warm days, I imagine floating above all whom are alive, watching them enjoy each other, knowing that my place among them was never meant to be.  Sometimes depression doesn't feel the way they tell you it will.  It no longer sits atop my chest and reaches into my throat, it doesn't make my limbs unable to do simple tasks, it doesn't press its heavy hands upon my eyelids keeping me virtually asleep for days. Instead it becomes a part of me. I hardly notice the unnatural, smiling mask I make myself wear to face the masses.

But my monster quickly jumps back into it's comfortable space just to remind me it's not going anywhere.  It shows itself on "good" days, where smiles and laughter turns into apathy and sadness.  It'll be there. It will remain.

Sweet Love

Our love is so perfect,

You don't even know

That special way you look at me

As if I'm not even there...

Unf, it sends shivers down my spine

The way you're cool with spending no time together,

Makes me feel *independent*

And I clearly don't need your affirmation of my beauty...

I wouldn't believe it anyway.

I don't think you've ever really looked at my face

& I love that you're so mysterious,

I don't know a thing about you.

Our love is perfect

Wouldn't you agree?

I mean, you would...

If you ever spoke to me

Maybe

Maybe I'll start posting things on here.

I made this really awesome sweater, well I ironed on a picture I found via tumblr but it's still very amazing.

Maybe if I start writing some of my journal entries they won't stay stuck inside of me.

Maybe I can take pics of my clothes, and get over my fear of cameras and my insidious BDD.

We'll see.

So many possibilities.